Visits and Guilt

caregiving

Lynne’s three boys, mostly men now, over 18 and 6’ 3” tall who wrap me in their arms, visit Lynne an hour every Thursday when they are together between fulltime schooling and work. Lynne squeals with joy when they sit down in the outdoor living room at Aegis.
They share and laugh for an hour over memories and current stories. Rides on her scooters. Scary rides at theme parks that stopped at the top. Cars they liked to drive or were afraid to drive. Lynne burning up her Mom’s car engine in high school. Lynne pumping up her ballplayers by urging them to visualize themselves making a great play.
It worked, one said.
The older twins describe a neighborhood playmate who towers over them now. One remembered the playmate’s mom, a friend of Lynne’s, would criticize him as if he was her kid. Lynne telling them to write down goals. They never did it but they agreed research shows it works better if you write them.
Agreeing, You could talk to her about anything, everything.
It’s taken a long time for me to get her brotherhood into a regular schedule on topics they would enjoy. At first irregular visits were awkward with uncomfortable silences. I reminded them dementia wipes out short term memory and language skills first, leaving her able to recall long-term memories. Plus, she is interested in whatever interests them. They keep her animated. They look forward to it, arriving early the last two visits.
I worry they will forget. I remind them. I worry the boys will feel guilty they didn’t visit more, like I feel guilty about my mom when she had Alzheimer’s. I worry once a week is not enough. Lynne said recently, They don’t have to do that. They’re so busy.
The whole family worried as the boys’ school performances deteriorated during their shock over her diagnosis. The twins left college to come back together to support each other to support her.
She frequently remembers them when people ask her about them, they are all doing exceptionally well. Now she falters to find words to name them even as she shakes her smiling face in bliss.
I worry I should do more. I should visit outside more. I should call her on video chat more. She rarely answers because staff says she stays in the shared living area. I reason if she’s not calling me, she’s happy with some other activity. I hear her ringtone on my cell which usually means she or staff want me to cheer her up. Sometimes I ignore it because I can’t find the courage to help her. I feel guilty. I tell myself about all my other responsibilities as a widower, writer, investor, father, grandfather, and sharing her story with friends. I have to exercise and stay active for my mental healh.
But I still feel guilty when I remember I visited Mom less and less as her awareness drained out of her. I might have done more.
For now her boys love their visits, and are busy doing well, which is Lynne’s ever accessible joy. And if they feel guilty in the future, I hope they can forgive themselves. I can ususally forgive myself, but there is always the residue of doubt about what I might have done.

4 thoughts on “Visits and Guilt

  1. James S Russell March 13, 2021 / 5:57 pm

    I can remind myself of that and then must remind myself when I run into the problems with her feet that I helped harm.

    Like

  2. Bonnie Russell February 3, 2021 / 5:59 am

    We all feel we should have done more for our loved ones. Human nature.

    Like

  3. Chuck Largent February 1, 2021 / 4:55 pm

    Thanks for sharing Jim.

    Like

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